I keep asking myself, if I want to stay in Germany or if I want to go to Portugal.
I'm sure, that what I want, is to go to Portugal. But I don’t know if I want it to happen now.
I don’t know if I have chosen the right point in my life, to make that step.
But what is scaring me, is that I’m getting older and that I have to decide how I want to live and where I want to take my life to.
At the moment I’m often thinking about staying here in Germany. I’m thinking about having my own little flat until december and to move to Portugal, then.
I realized, that what I need the most now, is to get away of my family. I need to grow up by myself. I need to have time to live alone. And if I go to Portugal I know that my whole family will be around me and that I’ll be surrounded by their love and that they will try to take care of me. That’s not a bad thing, surely not. But what I want now is to see where I can get alone. At least by being alone, because still I will need the financial help of my parents, because I cannot live alone at the moment with the money I’m getting.
But I realized, that I need to get away from my parents, because they influenced me in my whole life, in all of my decisions and I want to see who I am without them.
I need to miss them really. I need to see how much I need my parents and where I can go without them.
At the moment it looks like as if I’m going to stay a little longer in Germany, but I really don’t know how it’ll look like in a couple of months.
I know that my country, my hometown is Portugal. But I think that I became too german, to go there and to live with my family. My „germanism“ has got me to a point, where I have to escape out of this „familiar-lifestyle“ people in Portugal tend to live. So this makes me think that I won’t be happy in Portugal, too. But at least I belong more to Portugal than to Germany.
I guess I’ll just have to find my place to be. I need to find my little corner and so I want to live by my own and I don’t want to be connected to my family as they want me to be, because they would always push me to Portugal and to my roots over there.
All I want now is to find myself and to realize who I am, what I need and what I want.
I need to get away of my roots to find the time time to grow up.
I guess that I cannot be the son of my parents my whole life…
...
when your heart explodes
is it deathly cold?
you must let the colors violate the blackness, the rest
a magic world in parallel
so leave your daily hell.
huuum... saying it this way, makes it clearer you know? that's why i like to write, sometimes when we write , we end up saying what we feel, what we already know of and what we sometimes haven't yet realized.
ReplyDeletelet's see how things grow =)
knud
time will tell.
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