When I was younger I fell in love with an amazing girl. Her name was A. My feelings kept growing from years to years. By the time A told me she had feelings for me too, I met another girl (R) in Lisbon and wasn’t interested in A anymore.
R and I had a nice and lovely holiday romance. When I got back to Germany, we continued to talk via MSN and webcam. But then I met J and after four weeks I “broke up” with R.
J wasn’t sure about the feelings she felt for me and I waited three months to get an answer. But the only thing she said to me was that there was nothing more than friendship.
A lot of time passed and I met M. It was the first time I had a relationship with a man, but as I wasn’t very sure about what I wanted and because I was scared of my bisexuality I broke up with him after four weeks.
In September 2009 I met N and we became friends with extras. I saw that N wasn’t feeling good having sex with me and not to be my girlfriend, so I decided to be her “official boyfriend”, because I saw that she was feeling better that way. After three weeks I broke up.
Til now... those were my relationships. Longest ones: four weeks.
After that the only thing I had was few uncompromising sex.
I still have feelings for people and I still think about relationships but in fact I don’t think that I’m prepared for a relationship. Why am I saying this?
1) I can’t & I don’t want to focus on one person. I mean... there are so many people with whom I can have fun with. So why should I decide to have sex with only one person, if I can have different people? I don’t want to be chained on somebody, because I know I get bored by it and because I know that I’ll still look after other people.
2) Another point is that I’m bisexual. I want both sexes. And if I have a girlfriend I will miss boys. And if I have a boyfriend I will miss girls. That’s it!
3) I don’t want to end up hurting me or my partner. I’m scared of relationships, because I don’t feel free. And the longest time I can stand that is four weeks (til now) and I don’t want to hurt anyone because I got a problem.
Going through what I was writing now, I really have to say, that I am scared of being faithful to one person.
What I have to add is that I never had a long-term relationship with someone I really loved. The only people I ever loved... I’ve never had. Maybe if I love someone I won’t be scared of the relationship.
But why should I run after love? The closest thing to love I ever had ended up being a catastrophe. And really... that time was enough. I think that I just have to grow into that “state of love”.
R and I had a nice and lovely holiday romance. When I got back to Germany, we continued to talk via MSN and webcam. But then I met J and after four weeks I “broke up” with R.
J wasn’t sure about the feelings she felt for me and I waited three months to get an answer. But the only thing she said to me was that there was nothing more than friendship.
A lot of time passed and I met M. It was the first time I had a relationship with a man, but as I wasn’t very sure about what I wanted and because I was scared of my bisexuality I broke up with him after four weeks.
In September 2009 I met N and we became friends with extras. I saw that N wasn’t feeling good having sex with me and not to be my girlfriend, so I decided to be her “official boyfriend”, because I saw that she was feeling better that way. After three weeks I broke up.
Til now... those were my relationships. Longest ones: four weeks.
After that the only thing I had was few uncompromising sex.
I still have feelings for people and I still think about relationships but in fact I don’t think that I’m prepared for a relationship. Why am I saying this?
1) I can’t & I don’t want to focus on one person. I mean... there are so many people with whom I can have fun with. So why should I decide to have sex with only one person, if I can have different people? I don’t want to be chained on somebody, because I know I get bored by it and because I know that I’ll still look after other people.
2) Another point is that I’m bisexual. I want both sexes. And if I have a girlfriend I will miss boys. And if I have a boyfriend I will miss girls. That’s it!
3) I don’t want to end up hurting me or my partner. I’m scared of relationships, because I don’t feel free. And the longest time I can stand that is four weeks (til now) and I don’t want to hurt anyone because I got a problem.
Going through what I was writing now, I really have to say, that I am scared of being faithful to one person.
What I have to add is that I never had a long-term relationship with someone I really loved. The only people I ever loved... I’ve never had. Maybe if I love someone I won’t be scared of the relationship.
But why should I run after love? The closest thing to love I ever had ended up being a catastrophe. And really... that time was enough. I think that I just have to grow into that “state of love”.
wow, Alex, este foi um dos postings mais sinceros que eu já li teus, e também um que eu me identifico muito.
ReplyDeletepronto, apesar de agora estar numa relação, há uma parte da Cláudia que ainda pensa assim: " I can’t & I don’t want to focus on one person. I mean... there are so many people with whom I can have fun with. So why should I decide to have sex with only one person, if I can have different people? I don’t want to be chained on somebody, because I know I get bored by it and because I know that I’ll still look after other people"... and have uncompromising sex.
e depois também há a questão da bisexualidade. eu já desconfiei disso em mim, como sabes, mas nunca tive a certeza nem nunca me pude pôr à prova, e agora muito menos, pois seria considerado traição pelo meu namorado.
mas, por outro lado, há o sentimento que nutres por aquela pessoa e só por aquela pessoa. a paixão é tão grande, e o sexo torna-se tão bom, que deixas de querer procurar por outras pessoas.
sinceramente, demorei para sentir isto que sinto agora. era 100% como tu, só me queria divertir, ir sair, engatar, ser engatada, curtir e ir para a cama com quem eu quisesse sabendo que não tinha nenhum compromisso... até que o encontrei (tu sabes quem). neste momento, eu digo-te, sim, sinto saudades da minha velha vida e da minha velha liberdade. mas também não trocava nada disso hoje, pelo sentimento que estamos os dois a construir juntos.
por isso, é assim. é uma questão de tempo, de maturidade mas sobretudo de personalidade. há pessoas que têm mais tendência a assumir compromissos, há pessoas que são mais como nós.
o que interessa, no fim do dia, é que sejamos felizes. se és feliz assim, aproveita. senão, e te queres mesmo apaixonar e tentar ter uma relação... dont worry, take your time ;)
Kiss Kiss
xxx
Ps. desculpa o TESTAMENTO! LOOL
ReplyDeleteKeep ur head up!
ReplyDeleteI know thats the last thing you want to read but...you are still young! I know you will find this person... I wish you luck and bravery!
:-), you are one from the good, don´t forget that.