washing-up liquid and matches

he was a mess and he was feeling like shit. placebo was playing on his notebook and he went outside to smoke a cigarette. to light the cigarettes on he uses matches. they have style, he says. cigarette out of the box. match on fire. cigarette on fire. fire to his arm. his wrist. match on the ground.
normally when he is smoking he counts every little puff. not this time. he was feeling weaker than the usual. he was feeling worthless. he had to buy somethings for the house in the afternoon and he felt that his life was worthless. he hated his job. sales assistant. he wated to be an actor. he wanted to be a model. somehow he felt too skinny to be a model. somehow he felt too fat to be a model.

puff.

"we'll rise above this. we'll cry about this. as we live and learn."

he went into the kitchen and light up a candle. he doesn't like light and he's going to hate it even more. it was 9 p.m. still soon, but he knew that he had to wake up at 5 a.m. again to go to work. he goes by car and listens to david bowie. the washing-up liquid smells like lemon. roses? mud?
he looked at the knife and pressed it unto his arm. blood. washing-up liquid.

"you are one of god's mistakes"

he always wears t-shirts. he wants the people to see his scars. some use wristbands. he uses scars. he loved it when his collegues looked at him and thought that he was insane. in fact he feels insane. anorexia nervosa? no. he is fat. yes, he is. and skinny. and he wears skinny jeans. white. and a black sweater. and black shoes. normal daily wear. his hair is shaved. it gives him a feeling of power. he never liked those emo-boys. or those guys that feel great because they have long hair. surfer boys. fuck them. he always had shaved hair. even though it makes him look sick, because of his slender body. someone asked him once if he had a disease or something like that. someone asked him for speed. neither of both. he only smokes cigarettes and burns his arms with the matches. he wasn't into alcohol, too. alcohol is for women that are in a bad relationship. amy winehouse. britney spears. his aunt. depression. twice attempted suicide. never was able to. two days ago it was her birthday. was it yesterday? he forgot to call her. seriously he only wanted to save money, so he didn't call. in fact, she isn't waiting for calls, because she thinks that no one loves her. he does. in a sorta way. he loved a lot. he loves a lot.

there is a girl he'll never forget. that girl is in a happy relationship at the moment and she is enjoying her job. happiness. he wants to kill himself and her boyfriend.

"remain your funny valentine."

he was lying on the floor. placebo. and he cried. and he wanted to die.